Celtic Da Weekly 29/08/24

If the transfer window slams shut but Celtic don't sign anyone, does it make a sound?

Hello, good morning, and welcome to the Celtic Da Weekly. Tonight's the night we're going to make it happen. Tonight, we'll put all other things aside. Give in this time and show me some affection. We're going for those pleasures in the night. Erm, wait, is that the lyrics? I used to sing along to that in the living room when they were on Top of the Pops in front of my parents. I feel ashamed now.

Yes, it’s the CDW last-day-of-the-transfer-window special (I actually heard someone call it CDW this week—it's catching on. Soon all the cool kids will be saying it, and you don’t want to be left behind like the wee boy in the "Charlie Says" adverts, do you? What a couple of snide bawbags those two who came to the door for him to go to the park were eh? Could they not see his old dear was chatting up the milkman?)

Anyway, as you know by now, the word "special" in the CDW column means it's exactly the same as every other one we've done, but you’re reading it in the hope that there might—just might—be a secret transfer rumour that hasn't been exposed yet. And you know why? Because you’re weak. You’re jonesing for just one more hit, aren’t you? Desperate for one last toot on the rumour reindeer dust, crying out for just another blast of that sweet, sweet gossip galloping horse, pleading to be washed away by the old tragic magic tittle-tattle. (I know all the lingo, I do. I watched Grange Hill as a kid. Strangely, I wasn’t as affected by the Zammo heroin story as by the one where they went to the zoo and Jonah fell into the sea lions' enclosure. Put me off sea lions for life, I tell you. Heroin, on the other hand? Well, what can you say? It’s just terrifically moreish, isn’t it?)

And speaking of drug-fueled nostalgia trips, how exciting is it to learn that one of the biggest and most Celtic Da-friendly bands of the past is touring next summer? I bet, like me, you just can’t wait. I’ve not seen Shonen Knife for years.