Celtic Da Weekly 13/09/24

Tackling the big issues of the day - VAR, feeling sorry for the Rangers Captain and when should a Celtic Da turn on the central heating?

Hello, good morning, and welcome to the Celtic Da Weekly. You just need to take several seats and try to restore the peace. And control your urges to scream about all the people you hate. But until those seats finally arrive, I guess we’ll be stuck with you and your Union Jack cape in George Square.

Just when we all imagined we’d enjoy a peaceful international break (with only the indestructible Ralston in the Scotland squad, the risk of injury was negligible), George Square decided to transform into a shouty battleground, with Celtic fans on one side and Rangers fans on the other. Naturally, their lot snagged the section adorned with poppy wreaths, while we ended up next to the pub—clearly the better choice. It’s almost laughable how life in this part of the world can be reduced to such cartoonish, yet invariably accurate, stereotypes: Celtic as the noble champions of good and Rangers as the villains lurking in the shadows. Us, the clean-cut heroes, and them, the unshaven Nazi-saluting louts with their sinister, sunken eyes. If any more proof was needed that we live in a simulation, the fact that everything can seem to map easily onto the Celtic V Rangers rivalry is the surely the clincher. Admittedly, it’s a poorly scripted and not very original simulation with some mods causing major glitches (It’s the red ones who are the Tories? That can’t be right, surely? The colours must have got mixed up or something.), but still.

What’s particularly bemusing is that not everyone seems clued in on this obvious dichotomy. You’d think it would be self-evident. But here we are, living in a reality where some folks still insist on seeing what they call “shades of grey” or “two sides of the same coin”. Meanwhile, the rest of us are trying to navigate a culture that struggles to assign labels like “good” and “evil” to these football teams, even when it’s blatantly obvious who’s who in this, and every other, conflict. Surely, one day, someone will look down at their Rangers scarf, slowly turn to the sectarian slur-spitting bloke next to them and ask, “Wait, are we the baddies?”