Celtic Da Weekly 07/06/24

Brought to you in association with Asda fresh counter pizzas, because who needs Paesano?

Hello, good morning and welcome. That’s right - we’ve come early this week. Something of which you sadly know far too well. It’s a Friday Morning edition of the Celtic Da Weekly. Now what does that remind you of? That’s right, those glory days 20 years ago when you’d stumble into work, print off the rumour mill, head straight for the toilet and lock yourself in a cubicle for a read of all my 30 something nonsense. Did you never wonder how that looked to everyone else in your work? They didn’t think you had IBS - they all just assumed you were a cubicle guy. And we all know why cubicle guys are cubicle guys. It’s to do with tweezers.

There you go, two insults in the first paragraph completely free of charge. I was intending to make this week’s column a special all about the great Plain loaf shortage of 2024. Why has this not been the number one news item on all platforms for the past fortnight? Never mind your lockdown impacting on the mental health of young people - us Celtic das have had to have our chips pieces with pan bread for the past fortnight. An atrocious food item for chips. It’s been the most traumatic 2 weeks of my life. My entire sense of my masculinity has been called into question because I’ve been forced to eat wee dainty slices of pan instead of those alpha male outsiders that help me feel less inadequate than normal. (Thin outsiders don’t threaten my manliness at all and I’ll fight anyone who says different. If they appear in my loaf I throw the entire thing out in case anyone sees me with it in my hand and encourages me to accept my sexuality. I mean, sorry, I mean sees me with it in my hand and questions my sexuality. Shit, did I say that out loud?) Of course, you’ve done well for yourself and you’ve been making your pieces up with that fancy sourdough that you make yourself, because “it just tastes better to make it with your own hands, you know?” We all talk about you when you aren’t in the room, you realise that don’t you? We have a separate group chat that you aren’t part of where we talk about plain bread and stuff. Even Joe’s allowed on that one. It’s a sourdough free zone ya big tube ye. You probably call the outsider a “doorstep” or something.

Ach since it’s the first Celtic Da Weekly of the month, and it’s a Friday morning, let’s do a rumour mill with a twist - a rumour mill that’s got old, fat and just wants left alone in peace for five fucking minutes, is that too much to ask? Is it…?